【雅思大作文】考官批改实录——青少年犯罪类话题

2015年12月01日10:16 来源：小站教育作者：victor

参与（10） 阅读（26766）

编者按：这是一篇考生习作与雅思考官的较量，文章写得其实不错，写出了雅思大作文该有的套路，但是怎奈在考官的精准手术刀面前，一条一条地被剖析，还是被发现了不少的问题，而这些问题，最终成了文章未能到7的原因。读完考官的批改，相信对雅思作文，至少多了一点从考官视角的理解。

题型 cause/solution 犯罪类

雅思作文题目：The rate of youth crime is rising in many countries. What are the causes of this trend? Suggest some possible solutions to it.

学生习作：

The rate of youth crime is on a rising trend in many countries which causes a heated debate on the reasons and solutions of this worrying phenomenon. I would analyze the causes and solutions in the following paragraphs.

Firstly, the insufficient parenting is responsible for the juvenile delinquency. Children from the family lacking cares tend to be more violent and rude than others from the family full of love. Then, the schooling which oriented student’s scores may overlook the education of being a legal-abiding citizen. What’s more, the press should be blamed for the increasing trend of youth crime because the pieces of coverage contains large amount of violent and sexual stuff. Some movies and novels even glory the violence. Young people have no immune to tell the right from the wrong and easy to imitate others to break the law.

Facing with this more and more dangerous trend of youth crime, we have to solve the root causes of this phenomenon. To start with, parents should spend more time and energy on the education of the youth. The family is the most important element in the formation of young people’s personality. Secondly, schools are expected to change the model of score-oriented education to ones foster generalists who are excellent in all aspects. Last but not least, the government should supervise the press and limit young people’s access to porn and violence.

The development of young people decides the further of our society. We should pay more attention to the youth crime and solve this problem from the root. Only in this way can our society booms in the future.

【习作思路分析】

1.导入：2句搞定，清晰明了

2.主体段1：分析causes, 三点原因

3.主体段2：提出solutions 三点建议

4.结论：重申主题

【考官的评语】(注意看评分理由及写作建议)：

This essay is excellent. Your student should be very proud of themselves. There are many strengths here and I shall address those first.

The written papers are assessed on four different points:

1.Task Achievement.

任务达成度

This is how well the student has answered the question. It is the easiest way for students to get points, and this essay answers the question excellently. It makes three great points, offers clear solutions and has a nice well thought out conclusion. I was very pleased with this part of the essay. And if I were the examiner I would put this in the region of a 6 with an eye towards the 7.

这一角度考察作者如何回应问题。这是考生最容易获抓到得分点的方式，在这篇习作中学生非常优秀地回应了话题。列了3点不错的原因，提出了清晰的解决方法，并且总结得很周到。我很满意这一部分(任务达成)。如果我是考官的话，我会暂时把这篇文章归为6分档，但是会考虑给7分。

2.Secondly, Coherence and Cohesion.

连贯与衔接

This looks at how well the essay flows and how it is linked together and this again was done excellently. There was no repetition, while at the same time it had a natural flow. I was impressed with this and would score it at least a 6 and would seriously be considering a 7 here.

这个角度考察文章的文字是如何运行和如何连接的，同样，该习作完成得不错。文中没有重复，整个显得自然流畅。所以，这一部分让人印象深刻，考官应该至少给6分，并且会非常严肃地考虑7分。

3.Lexical Resource.

词汇多样性

This looks at the vocabulary used. Again this was incredibly impressive. The student used vocabulary that showed a high level of education. This perhaps was the most impressive part of the essay. Vocabulary such as juvenile delinquency, score-orientated and root causes will gain the examiner's respect. A few times the student made mistakes with their lexis. Legal-abiding should be law-abiding. I'm thinking perhaps the student was confused between law-abiding and legally binding. However this even further goes to show the impressive extent of the student's vocabulary, and trying to do something difficult and making mistakes is far far better than to keep it simple and all correct.

这一角度是评判词汇的使用。同样该作文给人留下极为深刻的印象。作者的词汇展示了ta所受的良好教育。这一部分可以说是全文最让人难忘的部分。类似于juvenile delinquency, score-orientated and root causes之类的用词会赢得考官的尊重。不过，作者出现了几次用词错误。例如legal-abiding应该是law-abiding.不过，这种错误更加显示出作者让人侧目的词汇量，以及在尝试高难词汇的努力。尝试高难表达而犯错要远远比用语简单而不犯错要好。

Some mistakes here (but please do not be disheartened because the vocabulary really was brilliant)

若干用词错误(但请不要因此而灰心)

1.Glory the violence should be glorify the violence.

Glory is a noun. Glorify is the verb. Glorious is the adjective

2.Young children have no immune Should be Young children have no immunity

Immune is an adjective. Immunity is the noun.

So it could also have correctly said: young children are not immune..

This is in the region of a 7 due to its highly sophisticated vocabulary, however a harsh examiner could potentially drop the grade to 6 due to these mistakes.

注意：这一部分应该是7分(因为作者丰富的用词)，不过一个严苛的考官可能会因为这些用词错误而将其降为6分。

4.Grammatical range and accuracy.

语法多样性和准确性

Now I do not in any way wish for this student to be disheartened because I mean it when I say I was highly impressed with this work and that it was of a very high standard. However, this essay contained no complex grammar. The tenses it did use were correct but your examiner wants to see examples of higher level grammatical structures.

从这个角度，该作文没有复杂语法。虽然时态使用准确，但是考官希望看到的高层次语法结构缺乏。

To be specific, we want to see perfect tenses, passive tenses and relative clauses. I understand that it's not easy to add in this grammar when the topic naturally lends itself to simple grammatical structures but it is important for the student to try. My own suggestions would be to try something like

说得具体点，我们希望看到完成时态，被动语态和关系从句。我理解，在行文时，有时话题自然而然地将你导向简单语法结构，要加入复杂语法并非易事。但是我的建议是你必须尝试。例如

instead of 'insufficient parenting is responsible for the juvenile delinquency' ，to put, 'insufficient parenting has been blamed for juvenile delinquency.'

Here you'd have the present perfect and the passive in one sentence. This would make any examiner extremely happy.

注：改动后，完成时态和被动语态在同一句中，这种组合会让考官暗爽。

Instead of 'The family is the most important element in the formation of young people’s personality.' The student could have written: 'Family has always been the most important element in the formation of young people's personality.'

I think perhaps this student will feel a little frustrated at this suggestion because their English is of such a high standard that they are answering the question quite naturally and do not want to stop to artificially add complex grammar; especially when it is normal to answer without it, even to a native speaker. But examiners want to see that difficult grammar, they really do!

重点说明：我想，我这样说可能会让考生有些沮丧，因为ta有一个不错的英语水准，在回应问题时自然流畅，并不想停下来人为地加入复杂的语法，尤其是当这种方式(简单自然的写作)是一种常态，甚至对native也是如此。但是，考官希望看到复杂的语法，这是真的!

The second issue with the grammar is overuse of 'the'. There are many times in which there was no need for it, for example:

另外一个重要的语法问题是定冠词the的过度使用。文中有很多the本没必要使用。

Firstly, the insufficient parenting is responsible for the juvenile delinquency.

The student needs to be careful of this, although it does show an understanding of the language and it is far better, in the eyes of the examiner, to use it when it should not be used, than to not use it when it should.

考生需要对the的使用更为当心，虽然在考官看来，the的过度使用总比过少使用要好。

The score for this is tricky and your examiner may even look in the region of a 5. Not because it was terrible, but because there were simply no examples of anything complex.

这一部分的分数比较难给，有些考官甚至会考虑5分。不是因为你的语法用得烂，而是因为你没有使用任何复杂语法。

A level 6 is a student who tries to use complex grammar but who makes some mistakes with it.

A level 5 is a student who uses simple grammar with a fair amount of accuracy. What would make the examiner choose the 6 however, is that at no point is it difficult to understand. However if you have a harsh examiner, you may find them grading you a 5.

重申：6分水平是文章尝试复杂语法但是犯了一些错误。5分水平是文章使用简答语法并保证相当程度的准确性。二者的分水岭(给6分而不是5分)在于，文章不存在让考官难以读懂的地方。不过，如果你碰上的是一个严苛的考官，你还是有可能拿5分。

The public descriptors of a 5 are:

Uses only a range of structures.

Attempts complex sentences but these tend to less accurate than simple sentences.

5分的评分标准：

语法结构样式有限;尝试过复杂句，但准确性要低于简单句。

The public descriptors of 6 are:

Uses a variety of complex structures.

Produces frequent error-free sentences.

Has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors.

6分的评分标准：

使用各种复杂结构;频繁产出没有错误的句子;有好的语法掌控力(包括标点)但是存在一些语法错误。

Here you can see how an examiner may grade as low as a 5.

There were times during the grading of this essay that I even started looking as high as an 8 in certain aspects. This is how impressed I was at points of this essay.

Overall this text is looking in the region of a 6.

With more complex grammar and more accurate use of its sophisticated vocabulary, it could be raised easily to 7. This is an excellent student, really excellent.

【最终分数】6

在语法部分，考官给的分数会低至5分。

回顾批卷过程，有几次我甚至在考虑在某些评分项上给8分。这就是该作文的某些地方给我的印象。

总的来说，应该在6分。

【编者回顾】

1. 清晰的4段式文章结构，在回应作文题目时有料有力，所以在task response一项上得分在6-7之间(偏向6)。

2. 在Coherence and Cohesion一项上，文章自然流畅，没有冗余文字，得分在6-7之间(偏向7)

3.在Lexical Resource一项上，文章用词十分丰富，类似juvenile delinquency, root cause之类的用词让考官眼前一亮，得分7(严苛者会给6)

4.在Grammatical range and accuracy一项上，文章通篇缺乏复杂语法结构，文章仅有简单句。得5分。

可见，一篇文章在考官的眼中，被解构得如此地清晰明了，四项中的任一短板都会在评分时被放大考虑，从而最终严重拖累了文章的得分。考官曾数次考虑在词汇一项中给8分，但最终的结果，词汇项7分，文章总分6分。

雅思写作不能有短板，必须均衡发展，否则7分几乎不可能。以上即是小站雅思频道为大家分享的一篇外科手术式的作文批改。祝早日与雅思分手。