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雅思大作文批改实录之8:太空旅游是否值得开发

2016年11月09日14:50 来源:互联网
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摘要:为大家展示一下雅思作文的批改评析,希望大家能够以小见大,举一反三到自己的雅思作文写作当中。雅思写作的完成,不是结尾段,而是检查,是自我批改和找他人批改,唯此写作才可精进。本文话题:太空旅游是否值得开发?

题目


Space travel has been possible for some time and some people think space tourism could be developed in the future. To what extent do you think this is a positive or negative development?

雅思大作文批改实录之8:太空旅游是否值得开发图1

学生习作


As we all know, people are always full of longing for space, and they are looking for a day to travel in space. Now,Inspired by space technology, some wealthy ambitious explorers have extended their sight beyond the earth. But there are still a lot of problems to be solved at the same time for space travel. So I'm holding development negative's view on the future of space travel.


In modern society, some businessmen have to build tourist areas without considering the maintenance of ecological balance in order to obtain economic benefits, so that there are many cases of damage to the natural environment. But now, the universe is like new resources. Once it is a tourist area, there will be a lot of businessmen blindly developing the universe and space tourism in the case of the universe is not fully understood. Once the frequency is too high, it will lead to serious damage to the environment of the universe,that is more than just a tourist area of destruction, the earth could not escape them.


Space tourism has just started, the security risks of space flight still can not be ignored. This is ever more dangerous than other kinds of extreme sports. In the process of space tourism, the body of tourists must be able to withstand rocket off the loud noise, vibration, and overload, etc. At the same time, also must to tolerance the strong radiation, long time weightlessness conditions. At the current science and technology, it also can not guarantee the harmless to human body. All kinds of potential risk factors have a great challenge to human's life and health. Also the passengers are not as well trained as astronauts, with a good psychological quality and physical quality.


Because of so many uncertainties, I’m holding development negative’s view on the future of space travel.


评分:5.5

雅思大作文批改实录之8:太空旅游是否值得开发图2

唐老雅评改


本题需要讨论的核心问题是:你赞同还是反对太空旅行(space travel)?这个问题,当然是人见人殊,没有统一的意见。比如,有些人赞同太空旅行,因为太空旅行能够让我们看到地球人见不到的东西,大大开阔我们的视野,同时,太空旅行还有助于我们去发现地球之外的适合居住的星球,这个实在太重要了,因为地球毁灭是迟早的事情。然而,也一定有人反对太空旅行,因为一旦开启太空旅行,人类即将破环宇宙,从而破坏地球;而且,现在的太空旅行技术还不过关,太空旅行过于危险。当然,就这个题目而言,考生完全可以做双边讨论,即先讨论太空旅行的好处(比如扩大视野,发现地球之外的新大陆),然后讨论太空旅行潜在的危险(比如太空污染,技术短板),最后得出自己的结论(如太空旅行的确是有益处的,但我们一定要注意保护太空生态,同时提高技术,确保太空旅行的安全性)。

本篇学生习作基本按照题目要求完成了论证,作者具有表达思想的基本能力,但在词汇使用和句型使用方面有不少失当之处,有些地方表达令人费解,因此,其得分被降至5分段。如果该学生稍微注意表达的清晰度和语法的正确性,完全可以达到6分甚至更高分数。


第1段:As we all know, people are always full of longing for space, and they are looking for a day to travel in space. Now,Inspired by space technology, some wealthy ambitious explorers have extended their sight beyond the earth. But there are still a lot of problems to be solved at the same time for space travel. So I'm holding development negative's view on the future of space travel.

[修改] As we all know, people are always curious about space and expecting to travel in space. Now, inspired by space technology, some ambitious explorers have extended their eyes beyond the earth. But there are still a few key problems which may prevent space travel from becoming a reality. So I'm holding a negative view on the future of space travel.

[评析] 本段是开头段,从结构上讲没有太大问题。修改文仅做了局部调整,使行文更地道,逻辑更顺畅。其中,I am holding development negative’s view on the future of space travel是一个莫名其妙的表达,是表达上的大错误。


第2段:In modern society, some businessmen have to build tourist areas without considering the maintenance of ecological balance in order to obtain economic benefits, so that there are many cases of damage to the natural environment. But now, the universe is like new resources. Once it is a tourist area, there will be a lot of businessmen blindly developing the universe and space tourism in the case of the universe is not fully understood. Once the frequency is too high, it will lead to serious damage to the environment of the universe,that is more than just a tourist area of destruction, the earth could not escape them.

[修改] In modern society, some businessmen have built numerous tourist sites for economic benefits, considering little of the ecological balance, so that a lot of damages have been done to the natural environment. Now, universe, a kind of new resource in some people’s eyes, has great potential benefits especially in terms of space tourism, which will certainly attract many profit-seeking businessmen. Yet if the space travel is developed on a large scale before we have gained a full understanding of the universe, the ecology of the universe will be seriously upset. Then what is at stake will not be one or two tourist sites, but the entire earth.

[评析] 本段谈太空旅游可能造成的后果,作者先提出,地球上的旅游业给自然环境造成了伤害,然后认为,如果开发太空旅游(尤其是在对太空还不太十分了解的前提下)势必破坏宇宙生态,然后祸及地球本身。本来是十分清楚的思维,但由于作者的表达能力有限,造成很多令人不解的错误,从而极大地影响了行文的清晰性。比如这句:In modern society, some businessmen have to build tourist areas without considering the maintenance of ecological balance in order to obtain economic benefits, so that there are many cases of damage to the natural environment. 老雅不禁要问:为什么一些商人不得不(have to)造一些旅游地区呢?难道商人不搞旅游就赚不到钱,就得死啊?另外,“so that there are many cases of damage to the natural environment” 是何意?cases of damage 是“破坏的情况”吗?为什么不直接说 “so that there are many damages to the natural environment” 呢?再如这句:Once it is a tourist area, there will be a lot of businessmen blindly developing the universe and space tourism in the case of the universe is not fully understood. 作者是想说“一旦它成为旅游区域,就会有很多商人在没有完全了解宇宙的情况下盲目开发宇宙和太空旅游项目”吗?为什么不直接说 “…there will be a lot of businessmen blindly developing the universe and space tourism even when the universe is not fully understood (or… “before the universe is fully undersood”)? “in the case of” 后面跟一个句子(the universe is not full understood),你确信语法正确吗?再如,Once the frequency is too high, it will lead to serious damage to the environment of the universe,that is more than just a tourist area of destruction, the earth could not escape them. 在这句中, “the frequency is too high”是几个意思?什么频率?更严重的是,这句看似用英语写出,其实骨子里全部是汉语句法,一逗到底,不使用任何连接词把两个或更多的英语完整句用逗号连接在一起:一旦频率过高,它就会给宇宙环境造成严重破坏,那破坏的就不仅仅是旅游区了,地球都无法避免。这就是典型的汉语“流水句”。大家知道,汉语是个非常灵活、不讲语法规矩的语言(不知道国人灵活、不讲规矩是不是使用这个语言所致?),但此无论放在句子什么地方都不变形,句子有无主语无所谓,几个句子放在一起没有连接词,大家猜猜也都能明白。但英语就不行,一个句子完了,就必须用句号,你如果不想用句号,那么你就得用连接词。如 I was born in a small town, in the town there was only one school, I studied in the school for six years. 这句看上去没毛病,但那是我们中国人看没毛病,外国人一看就有问题。怎么改呢?很简单:I was born in a small town. In the town there was only one school. I studied in the school for six years. 或者:I was born in a small town, and in it there was only one school, and I studies there for six years. 当然还有更多(或许更好)的修改方法,大家若没事,可以自己去琢磨一下。顺便说一下,中国学生改正流水句很难啊!我曾经在一次写作课的开始就给学生讲流水句,然后和学生打赌:到了课程结束时,我还能从你们的写作中找到流水句,如果我找到了,你们请我吃饭,如果我找不到,我就请大家吃饭!结果怎么样?在学生最后一篇练习作文中,我愣是发现了流水句!


第3段:Space tourism has just started, the security risks of space flight still can not be ignored. This is ever more dangerous than other kinds of extreme sports. In the process of space tourism, the body of tourists must be able to withstand rocket off the loud noise, vibration, and overload, etc. At the same time, also must to tolerance the strong radiation, long time weightlessness conditions. At the current science and technology, it also can not guarantee the harmless to human body. All kinds of potential risk factors have a great challenge to human's life and health. Also the passengers are not as well trained as astronauts, with a good psychological quality and physical quality.

[修改] As space tourism has just started recently, the security issues of space flight should also be taken into consideration. In the space travel, the tourists must be able to withstand the unbearable loud noise, the overwhelming vibration, the strong radiation, the physiological effect of weightlessness, to mention just a few. However, the current science and technology cannot guarantee everything is riskless. Therefore, space tourism may pose great pressure on people’s health. Moreover, ordinary passengers are not possibly trained as astronauts, so psychologically and physiologically, they may be not be suitable to do space travelling.

[评析] 本段将太空旅行的另一个难点所在,即安全问题和旅游者的生理和心理问题。作者有足够词汇量,但问题是作者的英语句子写作能力不强,这个珍珠般的词汇不能很好地串成句子,因此白白浪费了那些词汇,很可惜。本段开始就奉献了一个流水句。大家好好比较一下修改文和原文,看修改文是如何避免流水句陷阱的。接下来两句:In the process of space tourism, the body of tourists must be able to withstand rocket off the loud noise, vibration, and overload, etc. At the same time, also must to tolerance the strong radiation, long time weightlessness conditions. 老雅不解的是,为毛要把这些内容分两句写?难道这两句不都是在讲太空旅游者身体必须承受的种种压力吗?写作可以这样任性的吗?


第4段:Because of so many uncertainties, I’m holding development negative’s view on the future of space travel.

[修改]To sum up, space travel is detrimental to the universe environment and may have a lot of risks out of our control, so basically I hold a negative view on its future. I think space travel is possible only when we have a better understanding of the universe and meanwhile a strong technological support.

[评析] 本段为结论。原文的结论没有总结前文内容,更没有对未来提出看法,因此是很失败的。


修改后全文

As we all know, people are always curious about space and expecting to travel in space. Now, inspired by space technology, some ambitious explorers have extended their eyes beyond the earth. But there are still a few key problems which may prevent space travel from becoming a reality. So I'm holding a negative view on the future of space travel.


In modern society, some businessmen have built numerous tourist sites for economic benefits, considering little of the ecological balance, so that a lot of damages have been done to the natural environment. Now, universe, a kind of new resource in some people’s eyes, has great potential benefits especially in terms of space tourism, which will certainly attract many profit-seeking businessmen. Yet if the space travel is developed on a large scale before we have gained a full understanding of the universe, the ecology of the universe will be seriously upset. Then what is at stake will not be one or two tourist sites, but the entire earth.


As space tourism has just started recently, the security issues of space flight should also be taken into consideration. In the space travel, the tourists must be able to withstand the unbearable loud noise, the overwhelming vibration, the strong radiation, the physiological effect of weightlessness, to mention just a few. However, the current science and technology cannot guarantee everything is without risk. Therefore, space tourism may pose great pressure on people’s health. Moreover, ordinary passengers are not possibly trained as astronauts, so psychologically and physiologically, they may not be suitable to do space travelling.


To sum up, space travel is detrimental to the universe environment and may have a lot of risks out of our control, so basically I hold a negative view on its future. I think space travel is possible only when we have a better understanding of the universe and meanwhile a strong technological support.


评分:7

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