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雅思写作 | 怎么快速写好一篇雅思作文?

2022年05月26日18:47 来源:小站整理
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摘要:本文作者主体段中对于休产假的利与弊分别进行了讨论,符合真题的要求,但是我们可以观察到,开头段中的观点句“It’s beneficial to women and the company in the long run.”以及结尾段中的观点句“Allowing the maternity leave for the first month is conducive to individuals and companies, even for the whole society.”都只提到了自己更支持的那边的信息,完全没有提到较不支持,但是也在文章中讨论过的缺点。

众所周知,练习实践加批改纠错是找到写作问题,快速提升分数的最有效方法之一了。

 

所以今天塔塔老师会给大家分享近期批改的一篇典型5.5分学生作文,透过这篇文章,来解析考生中普遍存在的逻辑以及词汇表达问题。

 

首先,我们先花1分钟时间看一下题目:

In many countries women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first month after the birth of their baby. Do advantages outweigh disadvantages?

在分析学生作文之前,对于小白同学来说,老师先给出一些注意事项。

 

题型方面,本文属于“利弊分析”,因此在构段时需要注意,结构必须采用双边讨论的写法,也就是利与弊都必须下一个错别字讨论到才行。

 

话题方面,本文属于社会类话题,讨论的是“女性生完小孩后的第一个月被允许休产假”的利与弊。

 

接下去我们一起来看一下学生的这篇作文:

It's a basic right for women to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first month after giving birth to a baby. It’s beneficial to women and the company in the long run.

 

Women are exhausted both physically and mentally after delivery especially for the first month. Therefore, a series of recovery is definitely needed to maintain normal states of health. A healthy body lays the foundation for women to return to work in a good condition which is vital for the efficiency after the break.

 

Besides, the policy of providing a month of maternity contributes to new mothers who haven't experience of having a baby yet. This break gives them a chance to get used to the life as a role of infant caregivers. So they know how to balance the work and the baby in the future and make appropriate daily plannings for the job.

 

Although the absence would certainly brings some inconvenience for the company, we can solve the problem by handing over the work of the break month to other colleagues in advance to keep the overall efficiency of the company. By this means,not only can the company set up a positive image,but also retain the workforce. For some companies, it may be possible to simply ask a new person to take her place during maternity leave. This actually requires a more complicated handover process, because the person will likely have to learn the project from the beginning, which is a waste of labor and time.

 

All in all, allowing the maternity leave for the first month is conducive to individuals and companies,even for the whole society.

 

读完感觉如何?知道老师为什么给它打5.5分嘛?

 

本文的扣分点主要在逻辑以及词汇两个方面,逻辑方面的问题出在两个方面:

 

一、开头段以及结尾段的观点表达与主体段的内容不匹配

 

本文作者主体段中对于休产假的利与弊分别进行了讨论,符合题目的要求,但是我们可以观察到,开头段中的观点句“It’s beneficial to women and the company in the long run.”以及结尾段中的观点句“Allowing the maternity leave for the first month is conducive to individuals and companies, even for the whole society.”都只提到了自己更支持的那边的信息,完全没有提到较不支持,但是也在文章中讨论过的缺点。

 

这样一来,本文的开头和结尾阐述的观点,就与主体段的内容不一致了。这里,我们可以使用“Despite the trouble caused by the leave, it’s beneficial to women the company in the long run.”的让步句型替换。大家平时写大作文也需要避免双边讨论的文章中观点表述得过于单方面的错误习惯。

 

二、论点和论证顺序不符合阅读习惯

 

大家会发现,本文作者在写主体段时,会习惯性地先提出原因细节,再得出结论,这一点在写作考试中是非常读者不友好的。

 

为了使段落重点更清晰易读,老师建议大家,把自己的每个分论点(也就是结论性质的语句)放在段落或是这一个分论点写作的最前面,而后再展开论证。

 

如原文的主体段可以修改为:

A healthy body lays the foundation for women to return to work in a good condition, which is vital for the efficiency after the break. Women are exhausted both physically and mentally after delivery especially for the first month. Therefore, a series of recovery is definitely needed to maintain normal states of health.

 

改完之后是不是清晰多了?

 

词汇方面,除了少数类似will likely to的搭配错误以外,这篇作文中重复多次暴露出了一个词汇规范问题:缩写,也就是“it is”写成了“it’s”。

 

 

同学们写作文时要注意了,这种缩写方式都不能使用的,正式的书面语中不会采用这种写法,还是规规矩矩地分开一个单词一个单词写吧。

 

类似的例子还会有:don’t(do not),can’t(cannot)等。

 

希望有类似错误的同学在看了刚刚的批改后也能把错误的写法修改过来,避免重复出错,高效提升写作得分!

 

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