小站名师救命稻草系列2：9分作文是怎么炼成的——环境类
- 2015年02月16日14:56 来源：小站整理
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TASK 2：Environmental hazards are often too great for particular countries or individuals to tackle. We have arrived at a point in time where the only way to lessen environmental problems is at an international level. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Write at least 250 words
学生作文批改（红字为修改）
With the global integration in every place, environmental problems usually notice(always warn加强下语气为好,notice sb是指注意到某人，这里意思不符合) human beings that it has reached the peak(reach to peak意思是达到波峰，在这里搭配不合适，不如用it’s about time to do) to set up such an international organization to deal with it. Perhaps, some developed countries can solve those only by themselves, however, in my point of view, this issue should be carry(carried) out together at the international level.
（开头的话整体还是不错的，paraphrase做的不错，自己的观点也表达的很清楚）
Nowadays, the negative effects on more nations by pollution become severe（是一句病句，不要写的那么复杂，简简单单比如the pollution is getting severe among nations）, such as air pollution, ocean pollution, even light pollution and so forth. Nevertheless, there exist a sound（典型的中式英语，有一种呼声应该是there is a call）that the too fast-developing economic development result in temporal problems and getting together to resolve the matters will harm the profits of involvement of countries.（这边后半句真的不知道你要表达什么？） However, it is obvious that environment is far more important than regional development, particularly pollution cannot stay one place forever.（最好半句话是什么意思？不如换成more importantly, pollution is always shifting from country to country）
All world problems, whether air pollutantor（污染物应该是pollutant）splitting in ocean, increase from the abusive behavior of all individuals or nations.（既然用whether引导，就要写完整，这句话的意思我完全没有理解， 从句都没有）Perhaps someday, a ship from America leak the crude oil from tanks in the sea belong to UK, or the strait between UK and France, therefore, the solution to these special problems(urgencies) is the need for a collective awareness by an（from all） international organizations. What is more, everyone and every country must be aware of the impact in（that）anyone or others played a role in the world to avoid these results.这一段倒是写的不错，例子很生动
What is needed, the education. This is because education is the key to the global matters that to acquire knowledge and also to take measure is necessary for children and beyond. Furthermore, schools means children go there for education with teachers and where teaching methods to deal with environmental problems can be adapted to each individual. All the people should be responsible for the world.
（这段问题语病多多，严重影响阅读，我更具你的意思帮你改写一段: To tackle with the environment deterioration, the educative method should also be applied to our younger generation as a precaution. When young people are well-educated, there will be surely more environmental conscious and eco-friendly ideas among people. Until when, we don’t have to concern about how to awake those people around us to protect the environment but simply just join everybody in this great endeavor.）
After all, even though it is a long-term solution for us, we can conquer it by using method of education and also with the help of the management of（去掉）an international organizations.
点评：该文语病太多，严重影响阅读，文章篇幅控制也不尽如人意，尽管该文的观点还是比较突出鲜明，但是语病已经严重影响了其分子，这里只能得到5-5.5分
