考官批改雅思作文范例系列2：人的性格和发展是天定还是人为
- 2015年07月28日17:31 来源：互联网
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作文题目: Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life.
Which do you consider to be the major influence?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
学生习作
A heat debate hits upon what influences our personality and development. Some people believe it is the characteristics we are born with while others consider it must be the experiences we have. We have to admit that both two factors have impacts and my point of view is the two factors play the same important roles.
Nature forms the basis. An old saying goes, “A washed sow returns to the muck.” The sow can never forget what it should do unless we program its brain. This is what we called “Nature”. For instance, when a person achieves higher ranking, he becomes greedier. We may say, “Such is human nature.” So we can conclude that there in fact exist some features we all have in common. They form the basis of our personality and somewhat direct our development.
Nurture does the revising. What if a child is born with introversion just like myself? We all know that introversion is a piece of negative comment if we put it into inactiveness. So I choose the hard way. I overcome the embarrassment when I face the audience. I beat the fear of making verbal mistakes. I defeat the unwillingness to open my mouth. Finally if I compare me at present and the other me in the past, I dare say that they definitely two persons. When nature gives you the basis, nurture tells you what to do next to adapt yourself to the changing world no matter what you are born with.
To sum up, nature and nurture are both necessary to the forming of our personality as well as the way we develop. There is never a superior one. Only by balancing them and making the most of them can we see a better ego.
Nicola考官的批改：
The overall grade of this essay is in the region of a 5
This is in the region of a 6/7
Wow! That was a brilliant answer! Riveting and detailed. I enjoyed reading it more than any other IELTS essay I have graded. It was thoughtful and well planned. The conclusion was excellent and summed up the arguments well. Wonderful!
This is in the region of a 6
The essay was well structured and read with a very natural feel. Each paragraph had its own introduction and conclusion and this is excellent. You may find examiners wanting to see more linking words, even though this may seem arbitrary to you. You used 'so we can conclude' which is great, and 'finally' which is also good. However remember that these phrases and words are being looked for by the examiner so try to use them. Here are some examples:
Therefore/furthermore/To add to this
However/Despite this/Although
Finding a way to incorporate these into your text will make the examiner more likely to give you the 6 and could even have them thinking about a 7.
This is in the region of a 5.
The vocabulary was very good. The student showed some excellent, very natural lexis, 'nature and nurture' and 'introversion' are great examples.
There are some phrases that are particularly brilliant:
They form the basis of our personality and somewhat direct our development.
A washed sow returns to the muck
Such is human nature.
These examples were really lovely and really made the essay sparkle.
However, there were errors also and these lower the grade a little.
Heat debate - needs to be - heated debate (always)
This is what we called nature
Should be
This is what we call nature
Or
This is what is called nature
We all know that introversion is a piece of negative comment if we put it into inactiveness.
The meaning here is a little unclear. I think the only way to correct it would be to change it drastically, and still perhaps it does not mean what you intended...
We all know that introversion is a negative thing if acted upon.
Be careful with using the word 'persons'. Examiners will prefer you to use 'people'. 'Persons' is not completely wrong but can only be used in very rare circumstances. Native speakers almost never say persons. They say person and people instead.
This is in the region of a 5.
Examiners will only give high grades to essays that show complex grammar. By this I mean past tenses, perfect tenses, maybe even some passive and conditionals.
While this essay is excellent and has great vocabulary, the grammar is very simple. There are no past tenses, when sometimes they are needed:
I choose the hard way
Should be
I chose the hard way
I overcome the embarrassment
Should be
I overcame the embarrassment
If you have a harsh examiner they could even grade this a 4.
Please practice some past tenses to use.
Finally if I compare me at present and the other me in the past, I dare say that they definitely two persons.
Here you could use the second conditional
Finally, if I were to compare me at present with the other me in the past, I dare say that they would definitely be two different people.
In order to get a grade 6, examiners will want to see present perfect and passive tenses.
Despite this, this was a wonderful essay! English is a difficult language and this student has a real talent for it. With improved grammar, this student could score a 6 in the near future.
以上即是全文的内容，祝早日雅思写作学有所成，祝早日与雅思分手。
