雅思大作文批改实录之3：个人努力有助环境保护

2016年11月08日20:01 来源：互联网

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题目

Some people think that the environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve. Others, however, believe that the problems cannot be solved if individuals do not take some actions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

学生习作

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Different people hold different opinions. In the following part I will analyze these two divergent ideas in detail and give my own opinion.

Some people think that the environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve. Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment. Only government and large companies can make a difference. In contrast, others hold different opinion that each individual should take some actions otherwise the problems cannot be solved. Individual actions, small as they may be, can be rendered much more useful than we realize.

As far as I’m concerned, both are not completely objective and I agree with these two in some extend. As we all know, our environment is facing a large number of problems which need to be dealt with immediately. Undoubtedly, governments and large companies should take the responsibility to solve it. What's more, some issues even need joint international effort among different boundaries. However, does this mean that individuals don't have any responsibility?Although there is huge difficulty in solving some environmental problems for individuals, I don't think it should be an excuse for taking no action.Actually, individuals can do many small but powerful things to help to improve the environment, such as garbage sorting before throw away, refusing to use disposable chopsticks and so on. Environment protect is not such a big issue that individuals can do nothing. It is very practical and it needs each person to take some actions.

To put it into a nutshell, protecting environment and solving related problems need joint effort of both governments and individuals. Everyone should be aware of its importance, be a responsible one and take some practical actions to deal with it. Only in this way can environmental problems been solved as soon as possible.

评分：6

老雅评改

本题问：解决环境问题，个人到底能否起作用？有人说，个人不起作用，因为环保问题太大；其他人则说，没有个人，环境问题根本不可能得到解决。显然，这里应该将环境问题分类，一类是需要政府乃至国际合作才能解决，比如气候问题，工厂排污问题，另一类是需要个人来解决的，比如垃圾分类，少开车等。结论当然是，解决环境问题，需要个人和政府一起努力。

习作围绕题目要求，有一定逻辑连贯性，能够用词汇和语法来表达自己的思想，但整个行文废话套话过多，写作思维不够规范。不少地方词汇使用不准确，语法有错误，个别地方的错误甚至影响读者的理解。

第1段：Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Different people hold different opinions. In the following part I will analyze these two divergent ideas in detail and give my own opinion.

[修改] Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Different people hold different opinions. In the following part I will analyze these two divergent ideas in detail and give my own opinion.

[评析] 本段第一句引出话题，接下来的两句是模板性质的文字，没有实质性意义。类似这种文字，看起来好像都正确，但与本话题没有直接联系，必须在雅思考试中消失，否则，一旦作文被认定为模板，分数就会惨不忍睹了！

第2段：Some people think that the environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve. Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment. Only government and large companies can make a difference. In contrast, others hold different opinion that each individual should take some actions otherwise the problems cannot be solved. Individual actions, small as they may be, can be rendered much more useful than we realize.

[修改] Some people claim that the environmental problems are so big that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. However, others hold the opposite opinion that individual actions, small as they may be, are also crucial to improve the environment, so each individual should take some actions. otherwise, the problems cannot be solved.

[评析]本段才开始陈述题目观点。从语言上看，习作错误虽然不多，但是很多完全可以合并的句子被硬生生地分拆。写到该生的程度，下一步应该考虑练习如何用语言来把有关联的思想串起来了！从规范上讲，第1段和第2段应该合并，而且第1段中的那些无聊的模板语言应该删除。这样，本作文的第1段就应该是这样的：

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Some people claim that the environmental problems are so big that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. However, others hold the opposite opinion that individual actions, small as they may be, are also crucial to improve the environment, so each individual should take some actions. otherwise, the problems cannot be solved.

第3段：As far as I’m concerned, both are not completely objective and I agree with these two in some extend. As we all know, our environment is facing a large number of problems which need to be dealt with immediately. Undoubtedly, governments and large companies should take the responsibility to solve it. What's more, some issues even need joint international effort among different boundaries. However, does this mean that individuals don't have any responsibility?Although there is huge difficulty in solving some environmental problems for individuals, I don't think it should be an excuse for taking no action.Actually, individuals can do many small but powerful things to help to improve the environment, such as garbage sorting before throw away, refusing to use disposable chopsticks and so on. Environment protect is not such a big issue that individuals can do nothing. It is very practical and it needs each person to take some actions.

[修改]As we all know, there are some environmental problems which are indeed too big for individuals to solve. For example, in face of climate change such as global warming, individuals can do little to fight against it and only the governments have the ability to deal with it. What’s more, to solve some environmental issues even need international corporations. If mass water pollution is caused by oil spill in Pacific, it will be urgent for different countries to make joint effort to clean it. In this case, individuals have neither the professional skills nor the power to confront it. Although it is very difficult for individuals to solve those big environmental problems, individuals still can take some actions to make a difference. Actually, individuals can do many small but powerful things to help to improve the environment, such as garbage sorting before throwing away, refusing to use disposable chopsticks and so on. Environment protection is not such a big issue that individuals can do nothing. It is very practical and needs each person to participate.

[评析]本段先谈有些环境问题是个人无法解决的，然后谈个人努力能够解决哪些环境问题。从雅思作文的规范来讲，理应分两段分别论述（放在一起也可以，但这段就会显得过长）。老雅修改时，还是按照雅思的基本结构规范，将本段一分为二。（1）习作在讲个人能对环境做什么的时候，尚可以举出一些实际的例子，但在讨论只有政府和国际合作才能解决的环境问题时，完全务虚，显得很空洞（这里，就要考验烤鸭们的知识面了！），但实际上好好想想，这类例子也着实不少，比如全球变暖的问题，比如石油泄漏的问题，这些都不是我们个人能够去解决的，需要政府和国际合作才能解决。（2）本段与第1段一样，有很多套话废话，应该删除。

第4段：To put it into a nutshell, protecting environment and solving related problems need joint effort of both governments and individuals. Everyone should be aware of its importance, be a responsible one and take some practical actions to deal with it. Only in this way can environmental problems been solved as soon as possible.

[修改]To put it into a nutshell, solving environmental problems need joint effort of both governments and individuals. Everyone should be aware of its importance, be a responsible one and take practical actions. Only in this way can environmental problems been solved effectively.

[评析] 本段结尾段，总结了前文的讨论并提出了自己的想法。

修改后全文

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Some people claim that the environmental problems are so big that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. However, others hold the opposite opinion that individual actions, small as they may be, are also crucial to improve the environment, so each individual should take some actions. otherwise, the problems cannot be solved.

As we all know, there are some environmental problems which are indeed too big for individuals to solve. For example, in face of climate change such as global warming, individuals can do little to fight against it and only the governments have the ability to deal with it. What’s more, to solve some environmental issues even need international corporations. If mass water pollution is caused by oil spill in Pacific, it will be urgent for different countries to make joint effort to clean it. In this case, individuals have neither the professional skills nor the power to confront it.

Although it is very difficult for individuals to solve those big environmental problems, individuals still can take some actions to make a difference. Actually, individuals can do many small but powerful things to help to improve the environment, such as garbage sorting before throwing away, refusing to use disposable chopsticks and so on. Environment protection is not such a big issue that individuals can do nothing. It is very practical and needs each person to participate.

To put it into a nutshell, solving environmental problems need joint effort of both governments and individuals. Everyone should be aware of its importance, be a responsible one and take practical actions. Only in this way can environmental problems been solved effectively.