雅思大作文批改实录之10：教育的目的
- 2016年11月09日16:35 来源：互联网
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Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinions
剑五 Test 3(6分)
修改前：
Nowadays, purpose of education being changed in Korea. There are some people who think that competition in children should be made, also others believe that children who are taught to co-operate as well as become more useful adults. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments.
To begin with, what is good if a sense of competition in children is made? They could develop themselves more and more as they learn and study a lot to win from the competition. To prove this, in Korea, its is popular-even common now- to have a tutor who come to student’s house to teach extra pieces of study with paying a lot of money. They learn faster than what they have learn at school. Furthermore, during the vacations, students study abroad to learn English for a month instead of revise school work. If they have experiments such as study abroad, its is one of the greatest plus point to go to the famous well-known high-school Moreover, there are four big school exam and two national examinations to test students’ level of studies. Generally, only the highest 40% can go to the good quality high schools and colleges. Children learn as much as they can, to win the competition to obtain good quality schools.
On the other hand, as they are busy to enter the schools and study individually with their own tutors, there are problems. They become selfish. They become careless and don’t help others a lot if it is about studies. There will be no co-operations for them. Then, why are there companies for many people to work in? Each of them are clever, however, there are weak parts and strong parts for each person. To co-operate is to improve this part. People talk and listen to what others thinking of and learn. That could also be a great opportunity to learn instead of learning alone with one teacher.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with that children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect. People learn together, work together to develop each other. Therefore, I want parents and teachers to educate children concentrating on co-operation, not compete and ranking them.
修改后：
Nowadays, the purpose of education has changed in South Korea. Some people advocate the competition among children, while others believe that children who are brought up to co-operate with each other will become more responsible and social. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments.
To begin with, what is the bright side if a sense of competition between children is made? Faced with intense competition, children are stimulated to spend longer time in making efforts. In such situations, it is common for a majority of students in South Korea to have personal tutors who are responsible for teaching them extra knowledge at weekends in order to improve their competitiveness in studies.
Furthermore, during vocations, students prefer to study abroad for a month rather than review their school works. If they have experiences such as going abroad, then it will be easier for them to apply for a well-known high school successfully. Moreover, there are four main school-level and two national examinations to test students’ learning abilities. Generally, only the top 40% of them have opportunities to attend a good quality high school, which requires outstanding performance in previous competition.
On the other hand, as they are busy with independent learning, problems that have been produced cannot be overlooked. Children nowadays become selfish, careless and reluctant to help others especially on the occasion of studies. So there may be a lack of collaboration between them. This should not be encouraged because even though every one of them is intelligent, they still have various weaknesses. Co-operation, indeed, can provide students with opportunities to learn from other candidates and improve their own personalities as well.
In conclusion, I strongly agree that children should not be taught to compete but to co-operate. Nobody is perfect, so people are suggested learning and working together to fulfill themselves. Therefore, I think that parents and teachers should educate children to concentrate on collaboration, instead of competing and ranking.
点评：
这篇雅思大作文在结构的安排上有比较大的问题，作者认为不应该提倡竞争，而应该提倡合作，但是文章主体段却用大量篇幅在写竞争的利处，导致自己的观点没有充分展开，草草收尾，影响了整个文章。分段还是比较清晰，每一段有自己的中心思想，段与段的衔接也比较自然，只是第二个疑问句略显生硬，详见笔者的修改。作者试图使用不同的词汇和短语，但是不够高级和多变。语法尽管出现了一些错误，但仍可达到6 分的要求，也并未影响读者的理解。
更多建议：把合作的利处放在主体段的第一部分写，而竞争的利处后移，并减少相应篇幅，注意把其作为让步段并加以反驳。如此一来，立场清晰，配上多样化的语法和词汇，雅思高分，方可轻松到手。
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