为什么你需要自己修改雅思作文
- 2016年11月08日17:32 来源：互联网
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很多烤鸭自己写完作文就四处奔走找老师批改作文，既浪费自己的时间又占用老师的时间，所以不如自己学着改改作文，同时能更深刻地理解自己的文体，并重点加以练习改正。下文是学生习作和针对这个文章我的修改意见，希望烤鸭们重点研读修改的方法和修改后段落与原著的差异。
题目：
The cheap air flight gives people more choices of traveling, while the problems caused by this transportation should also be considered.
Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
Along with the advances of society, an accumulating number of controversies have been bought to our attention, one of which is the cheap air flight.(开头段太套了，最多不会超过5.5分). Quite a few people view that the inexpensive flight enhances the choices(改为efficiency and convenience更具体) of traveling. Nevertheless towards the same issue, many others point out that we are supposed to take the problems caused by this way(改称its problems更简洁) into consideration. (Both sides of the arguments have very strong feelings and reasons.)这句话可以不写，太呆板了，建议你看几篇考官范文的开头段，找找感觉。
改版后开头段：
The advances of society give rise to an accumulating number of controversies, one of which the cheap air flight. Conflicting with the problems it has caused, quite a few people view that the inexpensive flight enhance efficiency and convenience of traveling.
There are several reasons which(啰嗦删掉) suggest that the cheap air flight is of great value for visitors traveling. To start with, it could exert conductive impact on economic thrift(加of an individual具体一些). That is to say, the prices of airplane tickets could be affordable for an increasing number of tourists who may have a spot of budget. (In this respect, the public must be in great favor of such a vehicle.) In addition, it enables passengers to save much time on transport. When they are confronted with the emergent situations, the cheap flight will be given to the top priority, because of the high efficiency.
分析：
用词还可以，写作内容基本清晰，但是明显感觉到刻意使用一些连接手段，显得有点刻板。
简单修改一下：
Advocates of this believe that both the common price and the traveling efficiency should not be ignored. Firstly, the price of an airplane ticket could be affordable for an increasing number of tourists who may have a spot of budget. In this respect, the public must be in great favor of such a vehicle. In addition, a flight enables passengers to save much time on transport. Especially when they are confronted with the emergent situations, the cheap flight will be given to the top priority, because of the high efficiency with low cost.
下面这段给你自己留着，你看看会不会根据我们之前的修改例子对语言进行简化、名词化或者具体化。
Some other, nonetheless, hold the opposite opinion, strongly believing that we should attach more emphasis on the issues caused by inexpensive flight. First of all, it pose a considerable threat to the environment. Hardy can any one deny that, these huge planes use a sizable proportion of fuel and greatly give rise to global warming and air pollution. Besides a majority of accidents have adverse influence on visitors safety. Not only could it be detrimental to people’s well-being, but also it could not satisfy the demands of passengers.
There is probably some element of truth in both arguments. As far as I am concerned, the cheap air flight is indispensable to the visitors, but it is rational for people to pay more attention to the problems caused by this transportation for the simple reason that it damage the environment. What’s more, it pose a potential threat to people security. (改成environmental damaging as well as potential threat to people’s security名词化简洁 )
希望以上信息能对烤鸭们的写作有所助益。另外建议懵懂的烤鸭们多研读考官满分范文，提高自己用词和用句的胆量。其实很多表达都是你会但是不敢写的。很多你们写作中的疑问都会在考官范文中得到更权威的回答。
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