华丽变身 雅思写作烤鸭习作段落精细修改
- 2016年11月10日14:55 来源：互联网
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学生版本(6分)：Violent crime is more common phenomenon in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.
修改后版本: 7分示范 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities. While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this violation, I still reckon that these two parties are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security.
考生作文解析：Violent crime is more common phenomenon (暴力犯罪是很少见的，但是有些学生很随便的“模板”思维就说，这是个很寻常的事情，殊不知这给考官会留下很差的逻辑不严谨的印象。需要修改为：a rare phenomenon 不符合常情) in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote(stimulate 用词不准确)it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.
修改后版本: 7分示范 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities.(背景句要符合事实，客观细化描述) While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this ( 用代词指代前面出现的名词，是高分作文的特点，能增加句子和句子之间衔接的力度) violation( 词汇的多样性体现), i still reckon (表达观点时候，先写对方然后写自己能够句子之间的逻辑，是批判性思维的体现) that these two parties (用代词指代前面出现的名词，是高分作文的特点，能增加句子和句子之间衔接的力度) are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security. (学会写并列句and thus ,and therefore, and conversely 能有效增加句子展开的力度
学 生版本(6分)：There are several elements which could effect people’s job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the fundamental demand of seeking a work. majority of people consider that the more money they earn the more happy they get because people can support their family better with a higher wage。
改版本答案用来回答：是哪些因素影响雇员的工作满意度。
考生作文解析：学生的答案，语法问题一处，就是effect 是名词，要修改成动词affect, 这2个词容易混淆。另外的主要问题是中国学生一般英文不注重CC 就是连贯度的问题，就是句子和句子之间的逻辑和内在联系不够，即使表面上是有：外在连接词的。
There are several contributing factors ( 直接用地道词伙，效果更好) leading to job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the prerequisite (直接用地道词伙，效果更好)to the decent job as the majority of employees(写雇员，不要再写PEOPLE) consider that the more money they(用they 来指代前面出现的人，能够提高句子和句子的衔接) earn, the more happy they will get ,which is obvious in this highly priced society.(解释一下为什么钱重要的原因，是本段用来展开作文的理由的关键)
修改后版本: 7分示范 There are several contributing factors leading to job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the prerequisite to the decent job as the majority of employees consider that the more money they earn, the more happy they will get ,which is obvious in this highly priced society.
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